Jan—Ken—Pon—Zanpakutou?
by jellinor
Summary: Yoruichi gets her own way and Twelfth Division gets a captain. Everybody wins, except for Urahara, who is left feeling distinctly cheated. One-shot, set prior to the "Turn Back the Pendulum" mini-series. Completely rewritten: 2011-09-01.


_Rewritten: 2011-09-01_

_._

**Jan-Ken-Pon-Zanpakutou?**

-#-

Behind the closed doors to Shihouin Yoruichi's spacious office, an unusually heated discussion between said Captain and Urahara Kisuke, her old friend and Division Third Seat, were sending shivers of fear down the spines of the Shihouin princess' loyal underlings.

"You'll like it, I promise! Come on, it even _sounds_ good!"

"No, I—"

"Why are you looking so upset? It's not like I'm sentencing you to an eternity in the Nest or anything, though I'm seriously tempted to lock you up for being so careless about your own future!"

"But—"

"But _what_...? I understand if you're overwhelmed by my incredible grace and beauty, but you need to speak in complete sentences."

"Yoruichi, this is—"

"Kisuke."

"...yes?"

"Have I told you that you're being _such_ an idiot about this?"

"You have. Multiple times. But I'm just being realistic."

"Same thing."

"Yoruichi, I'm _serious_."

"So am I."

"For the last time, I don't think—"

"Come on... Live a little! Are you a man or aren't ya?"

"This is _hardly_ a question of—"

"Just say you'll do it already!"

"No."

"What do you mean 'no'?"

"Exactly what it sounds like. I refuse."

"You _can't_ refuse! It's an honour just to be considered for this position! Why are you being so stubborn?"

"I learnt that from the best, didn't I."

"Very funny."

"I try."

"This isn't good enough, Kisuke. I want an explanation."

"And I gave it to you, _twice_. I'm very, eh, flattered, but this sort of thing isn't _me._"

"You know how I've always tried to be your friend first and captain second—"

"I know that, and I'm grateful."

"That's nice. But as I was going to say: even so, I'm prepared to make an exception this once."

"Yoruichi, you can't _make_ me accept."

"Why not? I went through a lot of trouble to make this happen."

"I expect that you did. But if you had bothered to talk to _me_ first, then we wouldn't be having this conversation and we would both be much happier people!"

"Kisuke, bottom line is that you serve in MY division and live under MY roof. Yeah. You think about that."

"...that's low, even for you."

"So what if it is! _Somebody_ needs to look out for your best interests when you clearly don't! Besides, I'm a Shihouin, it runs in the family, and you've known me for too long to care, anyway."

"..."

"Well...? What do you say?"

"Thank you but I'll decline."

"I can't accept that."

"Then what do you want me to say? 'Yes, I'm forever in your debt, Highness. I'll do everything you ask'?"

"Actually, I'd rather like that."

"...you're hopeless."

"_I'm_ hopeless? You're the—"

"Yoruichi, STOP! I'm NOT changing my mind, so would you _please_—"

**BANG!**

"YORUICHI-SAMA! How shall I dispose of this low-life for you?"

"Low-life? Where?"

"How—"

"Soifon, don't make such a racket!"

"B-But Yoruichi-sama! This—"

"And what about the damage to my door, eh?"

"It doesn't look too bad. Nothing Fourth Division can't fi—"

"Silence, you! Yoruichi-sama didn't give you her permission to speak!"

"Oi."

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama?"

"You're being noisy."

"M-My apologies, Yoruichi-sama! It won't happen again!"

"Soifon."

"Yes, Yoruichi-sama?"

"This is a private conversation."

"Oh."

"Leave."

"Of course, Yoruichi-sama! Immediately, Yoruichi-sama! And please excuse the rude interruption! I'll just be nearby in case you... need me."

**Shuffle. Shuffle.**

"She's lurking again."

"This kind of thing happens a lot?"

"I forget that you spend most days holed up, conversing dangerous elements, and that you don't get out very often. It does, occasionally."

"Charming. But I'll have you know that I take my job very seriously. Besides, dangerous doesn't make anyone degenerate. Well, not necessarily, anyway. They're interesting, in their own way."

"So you tell me."

"But who was the girl? She's a new face."

"If you're trying to change the subject..."

"I'm genuinely curious."

"You're _always_ curious."

"I _investigate_ things for a living, Yoruichi. What do you expect?"

"...fine. But Soifon is hardly a new face. She's been with me for several years now."

"I thought she might be Special Forces. A member of the Fon clan, I presume?"

"Not bad. Lucky guess?"

"Basic reasoning skills."

"Soifon is their last, apparently."

"She's still very young."

"They always are. But I've put this one in my personal guard, so I can keep an eye on her."

"My, my... That's not like you, Yoruichi."

"What isn't?"

"I was referring to the blatant favouritism."

"Don't be stupid. There's more talent and potential in that girl than all of her brothers put together. When I'm done with her, she'll be better than deadly."

"Somehow, I don't doubt it."

"Eh? What's with that face? Are you _laughing_ at your superior, Urahara?"

"I never thought that I would see the day that you took on a student of your own. I mean, who swore on her zanpakutou never to become one of Them?"

"That was a long time ago. Besides, it's a girl's prerogative to change her mind, isn't it?"

"For a _girl_, perhaps... Not you."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing, I guess. You've always seemed to know exactly what you wanted, that's all."

"What do you expect? It was either this or getting married."

"Ah, such are the problems of the rich and famous..."

"Save it, Kisuke. Besides, did you notice how Soifon didn't even know who you were?"

"Well. Most people don't."

"...and that doesn't bother you? Not even a little? You're my _Third_ Seat."

"But I really don't mind. I'm not the limelight kind of guy, you know that."

"_If_ I do...! Urahara Kisuke, _what_ on Ginrei-san's sacred kenseikan am I to _do_ with you?"

"You don't have to do anything."

"But you _can't_ keep drifting along year after year after year."

"First of all, I don't 'drift'. Secondly, I'm perfectly happy with my duties to the Division and the Nest and—"

"Kisuke, listen carefully, because I'll only say this once. You're a smart guy with so much potential and so many ideas, I know that you have a bankai hidden up your sleeve somewhere, you have the kind of hands-on leadership experience that most candidates would only dream of _and_ you're... well, you're half-decent, I suppose. This position is _perfect_ for you, so stop being such a wimp about it and accept your fate already!"

"The fate _you_ chose for me, you mean... Yoruichi, I appreciate your concern, I do, but I'm not the right person for this. So if you would excuse me, I've got work to do."

"You're not going _anywhere_, Urahara. Not until your Captain has dismissed you."

"And then what? I know how stubborn you are – don't you grin like that, it's not a compliment! – and I don't exactly give up easily either. So we'll probably die of dehydration or possibly starvation before we reach a solution this way."

"Don't look at me. It's not _my_ fault."

"I never thought that it would come to this, but let's settle this in the usual way."

"The usual way is fine with me. Best of three?"

"I haven't got all day."

"Then it all rides on this one time, and the loser definitely loses. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"_**Saisho wa guu! **__**Jan–ken–pon!"**_

"..."

"HAH! As expected, I am triumphant!"

"Yoruichi. What is THAT?"

"It's a zanpakutou, and I'm pretty sure that it's sharper than your choki."

"...impossible. That's not even a legal—"

"Just accept it. According to the rules, the loser definitely loses. You lost."

"But it's _cheating_! There is no 'zanpakutou' in this! The game is called 'jan-ken-pon', not 'jan-ken-pon-ZANPAKUTOU!"

"It was your idea to play, nobody forced you into anything. Besides, if you're stupid enough to wager your entire career on a _child's_ _game_, then I think you kind of deserve it."

"..."

"Great! So your interview with Yamamoto is scheduled for tomorrow morning, okay? And try not to be late, though; the old man is a stickler for punctuality. It'll be a piece of cake, I promise! Stop looking so worried!"

"T-Tomorrow...? But Yoru—"

"That will be all, Kisuke. You may leave now."

"Wait a minute! Yoruichi, I'm _not_ going to—"

"Oyyyyy! Soiiiif—"

"Okay, OKAY, there's no need for that! I get it! I get it!"

"And...?"

"My interview with the General Commander of all the Corps is tomorrow. Happy?"

"Good boy, Kisuke."

"...I don't like this."

"Oh, stop complaining. You're making this into a much bigger deal than it actually is."

"You're too much, Yoruichi. I have a meeting to get to. I'll see you at home."

"Before you go, there's one more thing..."

"What?"

"I'm invited to the Kuchiki mansion for dinner this evening, which means that _we_ are invited."

"Shouldn't Kuchiki-taichou get a say in all this?"

"Nice try. Ginrei-san won't mind, trust me. Besides, Byakuya needs to learn how to socialize. I don't know what they're teaching him, because his manners are dreadful. The kid spends way too much time training, if you ask me."

"As I understand it, he's got a lot to live up to."

"Pff, Byakuya is an interesting kid – hot-headed, too – but he takes himself _so_ _seriously_. Did you know that he spent four hours chasing me around the garden last time I was over? And why? For stealing his hair tie. If I had made off with his zanpakutou, or some priceless family heirloom, then I'd sort of understand, but this was a _hair_ _tie_."

"So you say, but I think there's more to this story than you're telling me."

"Maybe... But it's not _my_ fault that he's a cocky brat, because _everyone_ knows that cocky brats make the best targets ever!"

"I knew it. You were really just trying to rile him up, weren't you?"

"I was _educating_ him. Though, it worked a lot better on Kai-chan, but then Shiba's got an actual sense of humour while Byakuya just... doesn't. Still, I think you'll like him. Byakuya, I mean."

"Enlighten me."

"I know I joke around a lot, but Byakuya is talented, Kisuke. I mean, really talented. He's still just a kid, but he'll be lieutenant class one day, probably even higher. But you'll see for yourself tonight."

"That's a lot of praise coming from you."

"Shut up, I'm always nice and helpful. Anyway, be ready by seven, okay? And remember to dress nice."

"...I suppose that I don't have much of choice in this either. I thought not."

"Don't look so glum! On the plus side, you'll get to see the stunning Shihouin princess decked out in all her glory! I really wish I didn't have to go all out, though. You know how I don't particularly like formalwear; it's heavy and it itches."

"How wonderful. I'm sure it'll be an enticing evening."

"You know it will! Well then, I guess we're done here. This went easier than expected."

"Don't flatter yourself, Yoruichi. I still say you cheated."

"Come _on_, Kisuke, you'll like being a captain, I promise! Twelfth Division would be such a good place for you, which is why I went ahead and recommended you in the first place. I wouldn't send you somewhere I didn't think would suit you; I _know_ you, Urahara Kisuke, so give me some credit here! _And_ you'll have a chance to finally build that lab-thing you've been talking about since the Academy."

"Hm."

"Besides, it's not just me, either. Nobody opposed the idea straight out, and Unohana-san and Ukitake-san even said that they were supporting my recommendation of you to the General Commander. So as long as you don't mess up your interview tomorrow, you'll be a Captain in no time!"

"But _seriously_, Yoruichi, it's the _Twelfth_ _Division_ of the Gotei Thirteen we're talking about here. It's an entire squad, with _people_."

"Don't worry so much, Urahara-_taichou_, you'll do fine."

"Hm..."

"What is it now?"

"I suppose that it has a nice ring to it: _Urahara_-_taichou_."

"Told you so."

* * *

Disclaimer:I don't own _Bleach_.


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